Ramona responds: Who are my friends?
Dear Ramona,
Leo Lucente / The Samohi
After seeing your last article in the paper, I’ve been inspired to share my own problems in hopes you can give me some sage advice. For a long time, I’ve had this feeling—a sort of pit in my stomach—every night or moment alone that maybe my friends and people in general don’t actually like me much at all. That they find me too talkative, unfunny, or too sensitive. More specifically, I feel like a lot of my friends don’t view our relationship the same way I do or hold it with such importance. I try to make an effort to be available, but I feel like this isn’t really reciprocated. I just worry that in reality, my importance in their life doesn’t equate at all, and I’ve been misinterpreting things. That us being friendly classmates who I think get along well are actually nothing more than that. Just classmates.
In larger groups, I always feel like I’m butting in, like I’m not truly a part of the conversation or am always the one who needs to catch up on what everyone else is talking about. I feel like I’m missing something everyone else has; that bond they all share with one another for whatever reason just doesn’t feel like it is the same with me. I feel like if you put a bunch of people they knew in a room and told any of my friends to pick someone, it wouldn’t be me. And that’s fine in the grand scheme of things, but it’s something that bothers me. Who would pick me in a room full of people? I can’t really think of anyone. I feel like I know they have more important people in their lives other than me. I understand, but it doesn’t make me feel very good about myself.
From,
Your very anonymous and socially anxious reader
Dear my very anonymous and socially anxious reader,
It would make it very easy for me to validate your feelings by telling you that you are, in fact, too talkative, unfunny, or too sensitive, (and to then tell you it’s over and the only thing to do is live alone in a bog,) but unfortunately you have given me no evidence that you are any of these things. I can’t guarantee it, but from what I’ve seen, most people will tell you if they didn’t like something you did, either that or they will make it very clear without directly telling you. It sounds to me that you overthink the idea of yourself in your friends’ minds, instead of just letting yourself exist and letting the stability of your friendships follow.
On a more disappointing note, sometimes finding friends that you really connect with can be a long, tricky and tiring process, but fostering the friendships you already have is an entirely underrated thing to do. Continue asking your current friends for plans; the worst they can say is no. As Wayne Gretzky once said, “You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” or in your case, you miss out on 100% of the plans you don’t try to make. You aren’t wasting anyone's time by asking them for plans, nor is it by any means offensive that you did ask to hang out, so stop getting in your head so much about whether or not people want to hang out with you, and let them make that decision themselves.
If you take anything from this, let it be this. Even if you ARE too talkative, or sensitive, or unfunny to one person or another, it doesn’t mean you are those things to everyone. These traits you claim to have are completely subjective, and I'm not even just saying that to be nice. There are plenty of comedians I find unfunny, but clearly, some people disagree with me because they are professional comedians with careers in comedy. Many people have told me I’m too talkative, and yet I still have plenty of loving relationships. It's going to be just fine, you will find those people that would pick you in a room, even if it takes time, but for now, you can pick yourself in the room.